fashion dress

Please Don’t Make Me Dress Like a Complete and Utter Goon for Your Wedding

Twenty-eight is just one of those ages, you know? Your friends are old enough to be getting married and it’s no longer charming to run a gambling ring out of the back pew, taking bets on when the couple is going to get divorced. (To be clear, I would never do that, but it wouldn’t be a bad way to make some extra cash. I’m averaging somewhere between five and seven weddings a year, and that ice cream maker from Crate & Barrel isn’t going to pay for itself, is it Janine?)

With nearly 15 weddings total in the last couple of years, I’ve learned there are a few things you can always expect. You are always required to cha-cha slide, and if there’s an open bar, you should also do The Wobble, which is the physical expression of a drunken thank you. You will be asked to assist the couple in exiting the ceremony in an inorganic way, probably with sparklers or something. But most predictably of all, you will always wonder exactly how you’re supposed to dress.

Sometimes, this is because the rules of dressing for a wedding aren’t clear: Should I wear a blazer or not? (Always err on the side of more formal.) Is it chill if I wear shorts? (Never.) But sometimes, in the throes of being creative and in love, excited couples decide to further complicate the complicated.

Be the face of cultural change: Stop with the cute wedding dress codes. I love that you’ve invited me to your barn-themed wedding, but unless you want me to do a reprisal of the scarecrow costume I wore for my elementary school’s production of The Wiz, I’m going to need more of a directive than “Rustic Nostalgia.”

I went to a wedding last year and the attire listed on the invitation was “Resort Evening.” Guess what, cowboy? I’ve never been to a resort. I can currently afford exactly two twin beds at a Ramada Inn and a king-size bag of Peanut M&Ms from the vending machine down the hall. And, trust me, you don’t want my Ramada Inn outfit at your wedding. And whose fault is it going to be if I wear it? Yours. As a bride or a groom, you owe it to yourself and the event to be as clear as possible when explaining how you want friends and family to dress.